12 Anti-Resolutions for Moms Barely Making It

12 Anti-Resolutions for Moms Barely Making It

As a busy parent, particularly a stay at home mom to 3, I’m all about streamlining the process. Whatever the task, I’m eager to cut out the middle man…get down to the nitty gritty…head straight for the value meal…um, you get my drift. That’s why I’m finally breaking myself free from this notion that I have to commit to a bunch of random resolutions every January. 

You know the drill: get through the holidays, become hypercritical of yourself, make up a bunch of unattainable goals, fail at achieving said goals, say lots of swear words, rinse & repeat for next year.

This time, I’m not falling for it. I’m cutting to the chase. And for once, this January means no Look-At-What-I-Can-Do for me. You know what I’d be better at? Figuring out what I’m NOT going to do this year. 

With that said, I’ve come up with a list of 12 ANTI-resolutions to help me preserve my sanity in 2017 and beyond. Stick around, these might be targets you can hit too.

January: I will NOT do all of the Pinterest things in one week. There’s something about a new year that makes me forget that I wasn’t re-born Martha Stewart with the change in the calendar. I will have pinned 3,014 new toddler crafts over the holiday break and for some reason, believe that I will tackle each one once a week in this coming year. I fail, religiously, at remembering that crafting with my kids is the equivalent of herding kittens. So I resolve to just be okay with coloring books and washable markers this go-round.

February: I will NOT send my ungrateful children to an orphanage. It never fails, with Christmas only .2 seconds behind us, my 3 little monsters angels have already discarded all of this holiday’s must-haves and turned them into remember-thats. Tablets and talking Elmos strewn about make for cumbersome décor as the kids instead play with my good throw pillows and hang from the window treatments. But I resolve not to lose my cool and threaten them with new families…just yet.

March: I will NOT forget that leaving my family for a few hours is not deserting them. We’re only a few months in, if mommy goes completely nuts, you’re screwed for the rest of the year. Trust me, dinner out with my girlfriends is just as much for you as it is for me, so let go of my leg! (I’m looking at you, husband.)

April: I will NOT allow my children’s brains to turn to mush in front of the TV as I hide behind my smartphone on Instagram every afternoon. Television is the holy grail, I get it. You moms that are ok with TV time are actually speaking my language. But look, it’s spring time already, and unless you’re reading this from Alaska…or North Dakota, (it’s cold there, right?)…spring time means warmer weather and nature a-growin’. As tempting as it may be to get a few minutes of quiet time, kick those kids outdoors. Make them run around on those chubby little legs and even if it amounts to you standing guard for 20 minutes to make sure no one feeds the baby a frog in the name of science get out and get some sun! Your body and your mind will thank you.

May: I will NOT forget to thank my children’s teacher with a small but sincere gift for their time this school year. I once considered homeschooling my kids. Then I gave birth to them. End of that story. Thank you, teachers for all you do. 

June: I will NOT plan all of the vacations. I get this really weird idea in my head that I will tour parts of the country with these kids that barely know how to behave in my driveway. I make all of the plans, tally up what the expense will probably be and then become overwhelmed by the sheer notion and end up an un-traveled heap on the kitchen floor. This year, I will realistically think of places that a 6, 4 & 2 year old will appreciate and that won’t leave me more stressed than when I left. I will re-discover my city, journey forth in my own neighborhood and, doggonit, I resolve to be happy with what I find. Less is more, people.

You know the drill: get through the holidays, become hypercritical of yourself, make up a bunch of unattainable goals, fail at achieving said goals, say lots of swear words, rinse & repeat for next year.

July: I will NOT repeatedly mention how slow the summer is going. It’s warm, it’s beautiful out and chances are, my kids are running wild because they’re happy and carefree. I will acknowledge the blessing that is three cheerful though slightly deranged and fun-loving kiddos. I resolve to mirror their delight.

August: I will NOT forget to stop the car as I toss them lovingly onto the sidewalk in front of the school on the first day. I will at least put the vehicle in Park. That is all.

September: I will NOT begrudge the aforementioned school & teachers for their preoccupation with homework. I mean, seriously guys, how much math can a 2^nd grader do? More importantly, are you trying to make me feel unfit? Because showing her I don’t remember key facts about Geography and latitude & longitude, as I help with homework, is doing just that. Can we not just tell these kids to use their compass app already? What good is technology?!

October: I will NOT be upset if this is the year one of the children vetoes my costume idea. Even though I am the queen of Halloween and the very least they could do – in exchange for 36 total hours of labor between the 3 of them – is humor me and my love for seasonal fantasy…I won’t throw a temper tantrum if we can’t be the cast of Ghostbusters this year. I will know that they are soulless ingrates who care very little for me…but I will not be upset.

November: I will NOT spurn the help of my friends & family as they descend upon my home for the holidays. Every single year I invite our loved ones here to break bread and share in the festivities with us. And every year I tell them not to worry and to allow me to address Thanksgiving dinner. Not so coincidentally, every Thanksgiving finds me alone in the kitchen cursing to a dead bird about good for nothing, empty-handed freeloaders. I am not a martyr…well, I kinda am, did you read that part about the 36 hours of labor? I digress. But, I can let go of the reins enough to allow people that care to help me. I resolve to only cook the turkey this year…and maybe the dressing, I make really good dressing…and perhaps a pie, but just one, and that’s if everyone begs…ah, geez, this one is hard.

December: I will NOT get so caught up in the holiday rush that I forget to be thankful for another amazing year with this crazy family of mine. With kids that are growing like weeds and a husband that (mostly) remembers to pick up his socks from the living room, I’ve got a lot on my plate but also a lot of blessings to count. I resolve to do my very best to show my family what they mean to me. I will also not forget to pat myself on the back every now and then, and prioritize a little me-time in exchange for keeping these wackos in line.