No one could have truly prepared me for motherhood. There were just some things that only matrescence could teach me. Despite all the books I read, I didn’t anticipate the following common experiences from expecting to becoming a mom. I hope sharing them helps another mama out there prepare!
“If you build it, they will come.”
Looking far and wide for a niche group of like-minded mamas? Why not start one yourself? From hyperlocal mothers of children with special needs to sober moms who love to knit, you’re sure to find your community if you reach out.
Be prepared for stains.
Inevitably, there will be a blowout diaper all over that adorable new outfit, and maybe all over YOU! Keep some serious stain remover handy, and maybe even an upholstery cleaning machine. I have started packing my diaper bag with extra clothes for my littles, and an extra shirt for myself, too. From spit up to sharpie, you’re in this for the long-haul, mama!
Breastfeeding is a journey, too.
I was so caught up in the pregnancy journey that I didn’t anticipate how much learning, trial and error, and bonding would come with breastfeeding. I wish I had seen a lactation consultant sooner. The one I met at the hospital gave me bad advice, and I didn’t know what questions to ask her. The consultant I found via word-of-mouth (after two rounds of mastitis and continuously painful latching) helped tremendously. I was so relieved to have her number handy after baby number two.
Be prepared to receive unsolicited advice…
As soon as they see your bump or your baby, people seem to think they have the authority to start teaching you how to raise your child. They do not recognize that each mother, each child, and each pregnancy is unique. They must not remember how awful it can feel to have strangers and loved ones alike treat them as if they know better. Ultimately, it can help to remember these folks are trying to help. Perhaps they wish they had done something differently with their own child, or wish they had known a helpful trick much sooner. “Advice is a form of nostalgia.” -Mary Schmich
…and bump or baby touching.
Being pregnant or having a newborn does not give anyone permission to touch you. Unbothered? Feel free to scroll to the next paragraph. Feeling violated? You’re not alone! While babies are truly magical, they do not come with a “please feel free to touch me!” sign. Neither do we, mamas! It’s okay to say, “no touching, please.” If anyone is offended by this, that is their own business, not yours.
Your partner may be praised for doing the same things you’re criticized for doing.
I’ll never forget the time I brought my newborn out for a Mother’s Day brunch with my mom. “What’s the matter with you?” my mom half-joked. “You didn’t pack a blanket for the baby?” When I told her my husband had packed the diaper bag, she did a complete 180° and started praising him! What?! If you’re lucky enough to have a partner in the picture, just know he/she/they may be treated differently than you are.
People love to share their traumatic birth stories with you before you give birth.
Birth doesn’t have to be traumatizing. In fact, my second child came after only five pushes, with minimal pain, and without any tearing. Still, it’s important to listen to your body, follow your heart, and heed medical advice from trusted professionals. If someone begins telling you a traumatic birth story, it’s ok to excuse yourself and walk away. “I’m sorry you went through that. Right now, I’m focused on visualizing a peaceful birth for my baby” may also be a good response.
The newborn stage isn’t always the hardest.
Each stage has its own challenges. People tend to focus on the newborn stage due to the lack of sleep while mom may be healing. Who will take care of meals, laundry, housework, and tending to older kiddos while mom bonds with her baby? While some may struggle during this time, it was one of my most blissful with baby number two. I needed more help and support when he became mobile. I felt like my whole world turned upside down and I started struggling with postpartum depression. That’s when my husband and I needed meals, help with housework, or with the kids. That being said, each stage has both its own unique set of challenges and truly awesome milestones.
Nothing else will matter when you know the love of your child.
At the end of the day, all of the above seem insignificant when I look into the eyes of my precious children. The hardships seem to fade when I hear their giggles. As I watch in awe at their incredible growth and development, I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. Whether you deeply bond with your baby during pregnancy, or your love blossoms as the years fly by, I know you’ll feel the same way, too.
