I am not good at making new friends. I’m pretty good at being a friend. The friends I do have, I keep. But putting myself out there, meeting new people, those steps you take at the beginning of a new friendship, those I am not good at.
I am a little too loud and a lot too awkward. I find social situations with people I don’t know very well to be stressful, so when I meet new potential friends, I’m exhausted afterward. And I like being at home. It’s my safe place.
But even though I like being at home and enjoying my family’s company, I am lonely.
We moved to a new state last year, one where we didn’t know anyone. So while I keep in touch with my old friends and visit when I can, my day-to-day existence is seriously lacking in the friends department.
Why is it so hard to make new friends?
Before our most recent move, we had relocated three other times and were able to make connections with people fairly easily.
So what’s different?
My kids are older.
It was a lot easier to make friends when my kids were younger, especially in the baby and toddler years. As they (and I) have gotten older, people seem settled with their groups and it’s become increasingly hard to either add to my circle or break into a new one.
I have less time.
Pre-kids and during the younger years, we had a lot more time on our hands in the afternoons and evenings, so scheduling meet ups wasn’t a big deal. Now practices, games, rehearsals, etc. take up the majority of our time. That’s true for other parents with kids of this age too, so finding time in two difficult schedules is no small feat.
I’m tired.
Like most families, we are fairly busy and when I am not working, shuttling kids around, making dinner, or generally adulting, I typically just want to rest, not go out on a friend date. The idea of going out to meet up with people feels like an almost Herculean task.
Comfortable is easy.
As with everything, making new friends involves stepping out of one’s comfort zone and that takes a lot of energy. You know the memes that all have some variation of “I’m down for anything, as long as it ends before 9:00 pm and I can wear sweats”? I could not identify with those more.
Things I’ve tried:
Maybe I haven’t been trying hard enough or trying the right things, but I have tried.
PTA
I’ve been to the parent social events that my kids’ schools put on and volunteered a few times. I even volunteered to do the website for the PTA next year, but had to miss the introduction meeting due to a family funeral.
Extracurriculars
I try to be approachable during my kids’ games and practices. I’ve even successfully struck up a few conversations there, but nothing has come of it yet.
Joined a Running Group
I joined a running group, but have struggled to find people to run with during group meet-ups.
Tried a Friends Match App
I even downloaded Peanut, which is basically a dating app for mom friends, but have yet to get beyond the message stage with anyone.
Googled How to Make Friends
I mean, I’ve googled “how to make new friends in your late 30s” to get ideas!
I’m not giving up.
Despite my lack of recent success, I’m not giving up.
Having friends to do life with makes a difference. I’ve had close local friends and in general life is happier, and more enjoyable when you have them. There’s even studies coming out now about how much having friends matters – for mental health and general happiness.
While I’m a bit disappointed nothing has panned out so far, I haven’t lost hope. I’m cautiously optimistic about a few people I’m talking to. I’m continuing to say yes to social events, even when it’s inconvenient or I’m really tired.
What really keeps me going is the knowledge that I’m not alone. I am not the only mother or woman who struggles with this – there are many of us.
Motherhood is hard and lonely and we all need people to do life with.
